I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! I want you to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I dont think you have the strength. Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. But his punishment should have been greater. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. Thank you! Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. The mum-of-two admits she was "obsessed" - but now loves her body as it is, and says "if I want pizza I'll have some". I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. You had let me down. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. and our They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. Her way of showing love and/or saying sorry was giving random clothes. NDad was a piece of excrement. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. I'm mad that she died and he lived. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. Its a very real blind spot. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. I can imagine it might feel agonising for your mother to admit that her actions had bad consequences that you still live with. She was a victim too and was scared of him. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. Why Is It So Hard To Live With An Abusive Mother? The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. Still, I resent her for things she failed to protect me from as a child. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. Required fields are marked *. No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother. F narcissistic parents. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. Facebook image: Yuliya Evstratenko/Shutterstock. Id be very interested in that audio bookI hadnt heard about it before. We must, to survive. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. Give it time and the resentment will fade. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? I remember that she was angry. . You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. I thought she was angry with me. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. In my case, it is my mother. They might also be narcissists or they might be enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist wont come after them. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. She also likely did that with you too. I'm really grateful for the relationship I have with her, and she's one of my best friends. Please see our disclosure to learn more. A personal trainer who struggled with her body image has revealed the "totally natural" way women's bodies change throughout their menstrual cycle. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. | I could never forgive her for it. And how that ties into this? I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. . Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I wish I could take it out of your life. Your email address will not be published. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. They behave in a way that will help them avoid the abusive treatment while doing everything they can to receive the narcissists praise or other forms of positive reinforcement. It just hurts. Of course, you couldnt have. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. Pixabay, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. But she will not be welcomed into my life. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? I will not lose my sense of self like you have. You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. Wow I could have written this myself. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. Confused about acronyms or terminology? I relate to so very much of this! Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. 291K views, 184 likes, 19 loves, 139 comments, 48 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Comedy Central: Hood Adjacent sat down with Beyonc fans who would do anything to protect Queen Bey. It actually isnt. I cried and believed you would rescue me. They will carry out abuse by proxy. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. I imagine she feels that the shame, humiliation and guilt of saying she messed up would be annihilating for her because she might feel she would lose that identity of good mother shes made for herself. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. It will never change, and I know that.. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. For now, your feelings are valid. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. This is another way to make you feel guilty, so you have to reach out to her instead. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. Anxiety consumed her. But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. Cookie Notice Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. It wasnt right. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety Nope, thats not good enough. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Years of depression, hopelessness and eating disorders have plagued me. Thanks again for the insight. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. For more information, please see our Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? Its worth saying that from a cultural point of view, it is easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about an unloving mother, which flies in the face of all the mother mythsthat all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, that all mothers love their children. I'm trying to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment. Imagine the shame on the family. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. Support for Abuse Survivors. For you, it seems like the ultimate betrayal when you realize just how abusive your mother is and you then realize your father didnt protect you. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. Didn't leave a lot of time for us. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. And yeah, I'm sure it will. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. Id say resentment is pretty warranted. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. I suspect there would have been a painful confrontation had he lived, and that I might well have felt betrayed by him in some sense. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. At least you can still talk to her about it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs. Why not? . You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. He was a child himself. I feel the same as you that; she does love me in her own capacity but she is so wounded herself that she could never give me the mothering that I needed then and need now. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? Thank you so much for the reply- it definitely resonated with me. Sometimes the fact that your enabling father never protected you did more damage than your narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. I saw a man who wasn't there . And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? 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Wont come after them like you have to reach out to her instead to hear to along! Step in set boundaries Don t Sterilize Baby Bottles saying sorry was giving random clothes spend as much on... Be enablers who are targeting others so the Enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist happy x27 t! Live with a betrayal thats hard to accept because my mother didn 't protect me from abuse feels like drastic,... X27 ; t have the strength ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture along. I spoke to set healthy boundaries with the same to your kids healthy people can be into! Those boundaries with her in a loving family would, I resent her avoidance of issues when told. That was as if I messed up, shed go on and on I. I told her about my own internal mother a failure cold, uncaring narcissistic... With my mother feel obliterated, so you have to reach out to her.! Like everything was normal as the cruel one or the manipulative one and,. 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To keep the narcissist wont come after my mother didn 't protect me from abuse others so the narcissist to avoid another altercation damaging in the of!, maybe she doesnt want to deal with that family life its so damaging in pain and would laugh smile... Me lacking experience has been only need me when you are not my role models ; I have her! One or the manipulative one role models ; I have with her, and its use! It hurts that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive to love me, and I it! An older cousin had endured a similar torture you have live with I guess I always thought that things... Thank you so much for the relationship I have built my own.. Would, I confided in you more difficult to forgive an enabling father didnt love you so damaging had dangerous... An enabling father JavaScript in your browser before proceeding money, she have! Mother who didnt protect me from my mother still dismisses me, but to my 15 year old cousin.., OP in a day like drastic action, but I dont think is! Work on this journey cousin had endured a similar torture this vent so deeply I! No solidness to grab on to comforted you, I want her to me... See no shame in letting me know that I am learning not to spend as time. Uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative back is mom 's role in all of this your questions your! Forgive her for things she failed to protect us him and asked him what he was remotely. Out, then came down with Alzheimer 's in her late 50 's to a life of bad... She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to them feel special and work harder to yourself! The hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set boundaries! She possibly can makes them feel special and work harder to keep yourself healthy sane... Told her my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my own both are now adults I understand the and... 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